The summer of my 14th year, I spent hanging out at a marina. There were a couple reasons for this: I liked boats and there were guaranteed be to be girls in swimsuits. Most of them weren’t much to look at, but, given my Quaker upbringing, anything above the calf was fap-worthy. This marina had a couple docks where the nouveau riche kept their boats, usually guys who had made quick money in the stock market and ran out and bought a boat even though they knew nothing about them. This provided us with endless entertainment and schadenfreude at their expense.
One day a brand new Sea Ray Sundancer came tooling in and headed for the slip in front of me. The guy obviously did not know what he was doing and was coming in hot, with a crash imminent. I hopped down off the bench I was on and sprinted out to the end of the dock to grab his bow. I slowed him down, guided him into the slip, and tied him off. He thanked me profusely as his trophy wife bounced over to the side of the boat.
I offered her my hand so she could step out. This woman looked like she was straight out of Miami 
Vice knock off music video. She had on the requisite over sized sunglasses, high hair, and stiletto heels. She also had gigantic fake tits that were trying to thrust themselves out of her purple, side-less one piece swimsuit. Now you are thinking “one piece? Why not a bikini?” But the one piece was a major player in this story. You see, this chick’s tits were so big that her swimsuit was standing about 8 inches from her body at the top, tapering in as it went down, and if you looked down, you could see her bush. Live woman bush! (You see, before the Great Brazilian Waxing of 2000, woman had hair on their privates. It’s true!) My jaw dropped and she gave me a Mrs. Robinson teasing look as Mr. Top Gun smiled at my reaction. I think he was one of those weirdos that liked his wife showing off to boys.
This was a defining moment in my teenage life and the next day I started saving up to buy a Pontiac Fiero that I could drive around in while wearing my white linen pants and sport coat. It helped to make me into the man I am today. It might also explain why I make my wife dress as Kelly McGillis at least once a month.
By the way, did you know that if you look up Bikini Waxing on Wikipedia you get to see gash?
Machete has just about everything you could ask for in a move: babes, guns, nudity, knives, gore, bombs, sex. Need I go on?
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